Microsoft to acquire Roman Catholic church in (soft) takeover….

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Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture
Microsoft to acquire Roman Catholic church in (soft) takeover….

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Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

 

MICROSOFT BIDS TO ACQUIRE CATHOLIC CHURCH

April 1, 2012 VATICAN CITY (AP) - In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution - even reduce your time in Purgatory - all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello - in character as Father Guido Sarducci - hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope Benedict XVI will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

Pope Benedict XVI said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci.

But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan.

Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.

Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired - "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams attended the announcement and was seated next to His Holiness.  He expressed his support of the merger, "When I eventually leave my post within the Anglican Communion I'll be free to buy stock on the open market and I am looking forward to a time when I can join with Christians around the globe in celebrating Palm Sunday carrying a virtual palm leaf in the shape of a cross."

The merger may face additional legal challenges due to recent diminishment church and state separation and recognizing that the United States government may now have a unique vested interest in the outcome.

A sampling of Tea Party supported Candidates are expressing deep concern, particularly Newt (the fish) Gingrich and Ohio Speaker of the House John Boehner who tearfully exclaimed:   "We've got a lot to lose in such a wide-sweeping upset of the moral fabric of our society."    As they were escorted from the podium both could be heard plaintively chanting "USA, USA, USA."

Maysie Maysie's picture

I think Apple is developing an iChristian app.

Unionist

Bravo, Boom Boom! Laughing

At long last, Bill "Pearly" Gates has been outed!

 

radiorahim radiorahim's picture

Actually, GNU/Linux has them beat...and this isn't an April Fool's Joke!

Ubuntu Christian Edition   I understand that a few editions were released and then it kind of went defunct.    

There's also Sabily (formerly Ubuntu Muslim Edition)

Of course free software folks believe that you should be able to worship the god or demon of your choice and so there's also:

Ubuntu Satanic Edition

 

Unionist

Personally I'm waiting for Jewbuntu.

radiorahim radiorahim's picture

Been done!  Wink

Jewbuntu

 

 

Michelle

Oh man.  We're watching the news, and the teaser for the next segment before they went to commercial went something like, "How schools are using iPads to teach autistic children, after this commercial."

I looked over at radiorahim, and could see the wheels turning, and the iRant about news reports advertising Apple products forming.  I announced, before he could say a word, "Okay, I'm off to bed now!  Night!"

Unionist

radiorahim wrote:

Been done!  Wink

Jewbuntu

 

 

Gak!! I thought I was kidding! So much for that.

I'll check it out. This could lead me back to religion. I hope you're pleased with yourself, rr...

radiorahim radiorahim's picture

Shit yeah... the iCBC 

It's already privatized.

radiorahim radiorahim's picture

Unionist wrote:

Gak!! I thought I was kidding! So much for that.

I'll check it out. This could lead me back to religion. I hope you're pleased with yourself, rr...

LOL

Actually I think this was done as a joke.    The download on the site is a "stock" version of Ubuntu...and a five year old one at that.   

 

Unionist

This is even more interesting:

[url=http://rabblinux.jottit.com]Babblinux[/url]

 

radiorahim radiorahim's picture

Unionist wrote:

This is even more interesting:

[url=http://rabblinux.jottit.com]Babblinux[/url]

Cool

 

Maybe a weekend project...like during a July snowstorm!

There are so many tools these days to spin your own version of GNU/Linux 

 

Maysie Maysie's picture

I think this is the perfect thread for this story.

Parents in shock as priest displays gay porn images: Ulster, Ireland

Quote:
Fr Martin McVeigh was setting up the PowerPoint display when the explicit sex scenes flashed up on the screen.

He was about to give a talk to the parents of First Communicants but abandoned the presentation after the pornographic images appeared.

One of those present said the pictures appeared on the screen after the priest put a USB memory stick into the computer at St Mary's School in Pomeroy, Co Tyrone.

............

The Church authorities also went to the police, who said no crime had been committed.

The Archdiocese of Armagh has refused to say whether Fr McVeigh has been suspended from duties or had restrictions imposed on his position while the investigation is under way.

The priest himself insists the pornographic images can be "legitimately explained". 

It seems it was the AutoPlay that outed the priest.

From gizmodo:

Quote:
Some parents-who were there to hear McVeigh talk about First Communion-were angry. Others were in shock. Just like McVeigh. He was so embarrassed that, according to witnesses, unplugged the USB drive and walked out of the room without uttering a single word. Later he declared to the press:

"I don't know how it happened but I know what happened. There are people making innuendoes who weren't even there but in this day and age these stories grow."

Well, Father, I think there's little space for innuendo after showing gay porn in church. McVeigh, however, claims there is an explanation for all this.

.......

How to avoid these embarrassing situations

This is a good reminder for anyone who has porn in their computers or USB drives and is giving presentations: people, turn off the autoplay feature in your Windows computer. Just go to your Start button, click on Control Panel, click on Hardware and Sound, and then click on AutoPlay. There you will be able to turn it on or off for each media type.

.....

And never, ever leave your screensaver pointed to a folder which may contain porn, as the screensaver may fire up during your presentation.

Slumberjack

We're shocked...just shocked.

radiorahim radiorahim's picture

Yes indeed this priest should have been using Ubuntu Christian Edition...or any other GNU/Linux version...where "autorun" is turned off by default instead of being turned on by default as it is in Windows.   If the priest couldn't control his...ahem...urges...at least he could have controlled his computer!

Unionist

I see "Jewbuntu" is defunct.

Babblinux is still up, but no apparent developments. Radiorahim? Ahem??

And... I miss Boom Boom.